T O R
Death, an old friend of mine
For months I felt death near... I was living in London, while my Grandmother, soon to be turning 96 years was in Germany. I decided to write her one letter a week for the following months. After the first month, I decided to write a long letter; I wrote her to wait for me.
For the following weeks I imagined over and over assisting someone to die. As uncommon it may seem, I didn ́t notice anything strange about that.
Time passed and I wondered through memories; my grandmother and I shared a very unique relationship. Beyond words, we would share our love through looks, little details of devotion, so soft you could breath it in the air. A humble soul care, that teached my heart in a tender way.
Christmas time came and I arrived on the 24 of December 2015 to Frankfurt. My grandmother was waiting for me; she was all dressed in white with beautiful silky hair. That night we celebrated Christmas, from that night on I would sleep in her room, in a bed next to her. Days passed, and we travelled back to her rich past; we looked Photo albums while she shared memories. I remember thinking to myself how astonishing her life was to me, such a hard one. I felt so proud of her. I remember I asked her once what was the best advice she could give me and with humble wisdom answered: "Take life as it comes".
4th of January 2016 she started feelling unwell, so we brought her to the bed. I started caressing her face lovingly, looked her in the eyes and repeated softly: "everything is good, everything is calm, I love you so much". She looked at me in a loving way, I knew our souls were together. I looked up and felt death at the corner of the room.
At 8-8:30 pm as I kept repeating the same thing and smilling at her she told me a little joke: "No one makes me more". Moments after everything changed; she looked at her side with wide open eyes and her breathing became almost unhearable. I knew death was in front of her. She started feeling cold and as my father called the ambulance I whispered to her: " you have to hurry".
As the Doctors arrived they quickly noticed she was dying and told us to say goodbye. I pressed her hand, carressed her face and repeated for the last time; "I love you, you did so good". And her heart stoped beating... Very late that night I wondered to myself: "What is death? Death is love, calm, devotion. Death is an old friend of mine."
Love
On a night, where the streets were invaded by a thick misty fog and humidty embraced me with a certain nostalgia, I layed down on my bed to sleep, with my heart in my hand and a wish of a brighter tomorrow. I thought to myself that hope was something so intangible but a undenieble part of us... Slowly, slowly as I imagined a future full of wonder and magic I flew out of this reality to wake up in another one. I was on a boat, a kind of wooden canoe. That type of kind wood, coarse and raw, that smells with the rowing in the water. So, I started travelling, flowing through cloudy and deep waters. Sometimes narrows, sometimes wide.
Suddenly I arrived to a bay. Unendless trees; nature seemed to reign that strange place. I was a white, skinny girl of maybe 13 or 14 years old, with a little cream color dress, ragged for years of use. For me, the most beautiful dress, my treasure. At the bay a little boy met me, he was maybe 8 or 9 years old, black. As soon as I saw him I knew, he was my best friend, my soulmate. I knew, we cared about each other deeply. Together, holding each others hands we started walking our path through that island.
We knew, we had to complete that path to fullfill our journey and reach our goal; our absolution. We where ready to pass a vast variety of challenges. I remember the tests, they were scary, tight spaces, violent beings... One was in a tunel full of water, and my friend would help me through it, not only giving me strength and courage but showing me the path. Together we would surpass every obstacle.
The last test was the most difficult one; huge horrid beings would deliver through signs infromation I had to read and learn, that would afterwards be asked to me. I didn´t even read anything, I was too impatient. At the moment of the questioning I answered the truth, following my intuition. Although I was fearfull of the consequences and the beings, I confronted it pure, being myself and true to me. We passed the final test. As soon as our absolution was granted, these beings turned into familiar kind beings. They took their fearfull disguises off.
My Friend and I went out happy and relieved holding hands towards freedom. We saw the boat and he looked at me. We knew it was the moment to get on the canoe together and free ourselves. He stoped and touched me softly with hes index finger; drawing a trail on my arm in a curious and afective way. He asked me: What is love? I saw the skin of my arm full of goosebumps and showed him. I answered: This is love.